The Prison of Fear...

Chances are if you know me, you know I place a great importance on obedience. Deep down to my core I believe if children never learn obedience with their earthly father, they will never learn to be obedient to their heavenly father.  I believe obedience coupled with discipline, respect, independence, critical thinking, love, etc. can set our children up for success in whatever way we define it.  Our children are far from perfect and are  just like all other children in that they don't always obey the first time around or at all from time to time. However, we strive to teach them obedience.

With that being said, I often catch myself praying to be more obedient to God's commands. I want to be obedient. I want to do good. I want to be Christ-like. I want to be obedient to His work and growing his kingdom. 

Many times, though, I choose the disobedient way out. Many times I choose to do what I want instead of what God wants. 

There are some crazy things happening on the horizon here. Dreams becoming realities. Opportunities to be obedient at our feet. Prayers being answered with desired results or unexpected results which are greater than our desires.  The unknown turning into clarity. 

As all of these things are playing out, my first emotions have been overwhelming excitement and joy.  It is exciting to see God moving and working in ways you couldn't even imagine. 

Watching things work together so perfectly and so intricately brings awe and amazement. I am not sure I can even articulate all the excitement going on over here.

The next emotion that comes, usually in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, is fear. The fear of the what if's. What if we aren't kept safe? What if this drastically changes things? What if it doesn't? What if we are hurt? What if we are rejected? What if...

I was in the middle of having a major nervous breakdown when I looked down at my leather cuff on my wrist. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders." -Hillsong

I have sung this song for months. I wear these words on my wrist. I pray them with my whole heart. 

I want to trust the Spirit to lead me. I want the Spirit to drive out fear, to drive out borders. 

When you ask for opportunity to be boldly obedient and for trust without borders, you just might get it.  

You see, I like borders. Borders are safe and comfy and border-like. They provide me with limitations, excuses, if you will, to assist in holding me back and continue in my comfortable life.  They keep me feeling contained. They provide me some security and peace of mind.  They give me some feeling of control. 

But outside the borders, outside the security and comfort, anything can happen. The risk is greater. That is when the fear pours in. 

As long as I am inside the borders I can feel brave. Once I cross that line, though, my false sense of bravery disappears and my true feelings of fear and doubt are left exposed. 

Now I have to really decide am I going to trust God with everything I have or am I going to crawl back into my false sense of bravery?

The truth is we like to be obedient as long as it fits within our plans and our borders. We like to trust God as long as He provides us with what we want. As long as our children, spouse, and money are kept safe our faith is strong. Compromise those things and we are shaken. 

I hope to be able to share more soon about how God is moving in and through us. There are still some unknowns to work out.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared, if I wasn't hesitant, and even a little worried. However, Caleb and I together have decided to take some leaps of faith. We are prayerful that great things will come from our simple act of obedience.

I never want my children to see fear defining my life. I never want them to shy away from stepping out in faith or taking risks, only because they are afraid.

 I don't want my fear to become my border, because then it actually becomes more like a prison. 

And a prison is never ideal. 

Maybe there is freedom outside the borders, but you must be brave enough to find out first.

What fears keep you from being boldly obedient and trusting God fully? 

One Word Resolution

New Years Resolutions aren't really my thing. I am, however, a big fan of small goals throughout the year. I like focus. I like having something to work towards. I like the accomplished feeling when one of those goals are met. 

I have a running list of goals at any given time. 

We recently spent some time at a couples retreat. We were asked to pair off with our spouse and write out 6 goals for 6 different categories. I am not the best at math, but that is 36 goals, y'all!

I rattled off about 20 goals in about 5 minutes as Caleb struggled to come up with one for each category. So, I don't really need the new year to make me sit down and come up with a resolution. 

However, I am loving the idea of the One Word Resolutions. I mean one word that will carry you through 2014 and inspire you throughout. Count me in. 

I have had the hardest time nailing down ONE word for the entire year, though. 

Immediately at least 100 words scroll through my mind. 

Bold, obedient, faithful, servant, share, prayer, prioritize, search, see, go, goodness, kind, love, follow, humility, hope, desire, present, intentional, submit 

I have so many areas in my life that need improvement, that I have trouble narrowing down one area I need to focus on this year. 

But if I am completely honest, God has been whispering one word to me over and over for a while now. Not literally whispering, but turning my attention to one word repeatedly. My friend alludes to it when she persuades me to write. A sweet lady at church speaks it when she gently encourages me to teach more classes. My husband begs for me to hear it when he says everything will be fine. My children yearn for it when they see the doubt in my eyes. The scriptures scream it at me when I study them. 

The word floats around in my mind constantly as I struggle to stuff it into a deep corner and forget it. 

So my word for 2014 is TRUST.  

Trust that God is who He says He is. 

Trust that God will do what He says He will do.

Trust in my marriage.

Trust in God to take hold of my fears and alleviate them as submit myself to complete obedience.

Trust that I am worthy.

Trust God will provide. 

Trust that God can use me.

Trust when my baby boy walks into his kindergarten classroom alone, that he isn't really alone.

Trust as I enter the land of the 30's. 

TRUST.

Throughout this year, I may face ridicule. I may face struggles. I may face heartbreak. I may be disappointed. It may be our best year yet.

2014 may fail me.  I am choosing to trust with my whole heart, despite my independent spirit, no matter what comes, that God will not.